I have been trying to write this post over and over since yesterday morning.
Yesterday was Tuesday, and thus that typically means a Townhall post. I had links saved for you, but every time I sat down to write I couldn’t. So I just kept adding more links to the list. And more this morning. All the while thinking, I’ll eventually get all of these written into a post.
There are so many things I have read in the past week that are swirling all over the news right now.
Harper Lee’s new book Go Set a Watchman.
Christians concerned with the state of our nation.
Right and left there is something and someone pulling me, speaking to me, helping me process all these various current events.
And yet, I have to be honest that right now I am really struggling with remembering why I started writing.
I have gotten so discouraged lately with the polemic nature of both the online world and social media. The back and forth rush to assume, determine blame, and judge is starting to eat away at me.
Especially because I know I have done it too.
It is so easy to get swept away in the emotion of how you feel strongly about any given issue of the day and rush to share it on every platform available, only to have someone else take it as a personal affront to their very different views.
In the past month, I have seen more hurt and judgement and petty behavior play out on my screen than I have seen in awhile. I would love to believe that it says more about everyone else besides me and reveals their lack of graciousness, or patience, or openmindedness, or civility.
If I go down that road though, I can’t do so without doing exactly what I so wish people wouldn’t do about me–assume they understand my every thought, opinion, or belief and know why it is that way and what process brought me to it.
Last week I opened a survey to get some feedback on my Townhall posts, as I have had the gnawing feeling that deep down maybe these posts have become my own little feel good/preach to the world platform to just put those voices and clips and articles out there every week that I want other people to read or feel are worth sharing.
I have begun to wonder though that in my haste to share something that so touched me or challenged me that deep down another motive began to creep in. A motive I would say comes from my long held and deeply ingrained heritage of an evangelical faith. You see evangelical has an inherent understanding to it that we are and should be passionate about sharing our faith with the world around us, after all it is the good news.
Just because I have openly admitted to going through my own crisis of faith and to having my own doubts doesn’t mean that tradition has left me. No, I suspect that evangelical tendencies will always be a part of me with both good and bad resulting from them. So where I once assumed everyone needed to hear about my faith and believe just like I did, I can also see now where I have been struggling with the opposite of everyone needs to hear about my doubts and question their faith just like I do.
In reality though, life and faith are far more complicated than that simple, black and white world I so easily am pulled to. We all are in different places and faith looks very different for each of us too.
Sometimes in my desire to not feel so alone in this difficult faith season I have been in now for several years, all I want to do is find other people who see it similar to me or are a little further down the road and can offer some guidance and hope that this is not the end — that this wilderness doesn’t last forever.
So I look and I find and I share my writing with the world, whether in my series I come up with or through the numerous links and voices I find for the Townhall posts, wanting and hoping with all the goodness I can muster to then maybe be that same voice of hope and comfort to someone else out there like me.
But at the same time there is also the flip side. The hurting, lonely side of me that just wants to feel heard or better understood or vindicated or right.
When starting this site, I took a lot of time to read, research, and intentionally think about why I wanted to start writing, what kind of environment I wanted to build on my site, and what would drive what I wrote about.
I shared a lot about that in the guidelines section of my blog.
Today I reread my own guidelines, and they are still to this day all that I want out of this site and why I still want to write.
I just never knew how much of a growing process this writing experience would be for me.
So with that, I ask for some patience with me, as I am going to be taking the rest of July to pause on Townhall posts.
I want to take that time to stop and take stock of my Townhall post process and see where I might need to tweak it or repurpose it into something that continues to build the heart and soul of what Untold Stories About Us is really about.